“It’s 6:30!” one of us says, like it’s some kind of magic hour. Like it wasn’t 6:29 just a minute before. Like we don’t actually have the program pre-recorded and could play it any time (we still call it “taped”). Bingo, out come the wine glasses, augmented by what we used to call horses’ doovers, our feet go up, and we hear somebody on TV yell, “Breaking news!”

I’ll call him Xerxes, but you’ll have your own guy or gal in mind, I’m sure. My wife worries about him like a mother worries about her son.

“Don’t you think Xerxes is looking tired tonight?” she asks. “I think he’s working too hard. It’s those international assignments.”

His hair is kind of long sometimes (“See?” she says, “He IS working too hard!”), but there’s more to her concern. She’s got a theory: one of the correspondents is never there when Xerxes is not at his desk. She’s sure they’re more than just anchor and on-site reporter, know what I mean?

I don’t mean to imply that we shouldn’t take the news seriously. The news is difficult to watch at times, especially I must say, on the American channel where you can visit with Xerxes and his long hair. Global warming. The terrible coronavirus numbers. The threats to democracy. The social disruption. The flooding and the fires. The angry rhetoric. I was going to say, “and that’s just the news on our street,” but it’s not funny.

We are going through some very strange and anxiety-provoking times — the pandemic and its terrible economic and human toll is probably top-of-mind for us in Canada and the U.S., but there’s the other, international news too. It’s like a checklist and we get to choose one per night. The North Korean guy has launched another missile. The Europeans have quarrelled about bailouts, in multiple languages at that, impressive if not innovative. The Brits are keeping calm, carrying on, and for reasons obscure to everyone but a couple of Welshmen, are exiting Europe. (Where will they go? It’s an island though, and maybe they’ll come our way. That’d be nice). The Chinese/Iranians/Russians/Taliban/ISIS (choose one) have acted badly.

I’m not one of those who believe that the news is fake or made-up, or even a Main Stream-Lame stream concoction, whatever that means. Here’s the thing though: it’s actually Not News. It’s the same thing every night (apart from the ultimate news which is of course is Xerxes there and if so is his, um, special person?).

No, the real new-news would be something different. The pandemic numbers dropping to zero. The two U.S. presidential candidates deciding to throw in the towel, end all those ads, ride off into the sunset together. No rising oceans. Love-ins between the NDP, Liberals and Conservatives. No violence. A city council meeting where the participants respect each other, work for the city.

Maybe even a scene like this …

Xerxes, breathless a bit (he’s always a little breathless): “Well, Imogene-Sue, tell us what it’s like in Upper Snow Shoe, Kansas.” (The screen splits magically, Xerx on one side. Imogene-Sue, in a yellow raincoat and a bright blue umbrella standing on a street. It’s getting dark. Her umbrella is wet. The American flag is flying behind her.

Imogene-Sue: “Xerxes, it’s hard to describe.” (It’s not actually, there are like 20 raindrops falling around Imogene-Sue. They bounce off her umbrella like tiny dancers). “The rain here in Upper Snow Shoe is beginning to threaten. And as you can see,” (she turns to the American flag, now flapping bravely, almost on cue. Her hair is blowing. She has to raise her voice slightly) “the wind is also picking up.” Her long blond hair is seen being gently tugged by what you might call a brisk breeze. “Xerxes, it looks like there’s going to be rain!”

Xerxes: “My goodness, Imogene. Rain! There you have it, folks, breaking news. Please, stay dry out there!” He looks at the camera almost as though she can see him; the look is sincere, I think. My wife smiles at him and says, “Look after yourself too, Xerxes!”

The list would be long of things that would be truly news, deserving the name: no coronavirus fears; kids happily back at school, safe; politicians assuming responsibility, liking each other, treating us as adults; international co-operation; you get the picture. It would also be news if Canada got a headline or two. Or if the Leafs … hell … the list is long. You can always hope though.

Oops, gotta go. It’s 6:30. Wonder what the horses’ doovers are like tonight.